The Bench of Evil and Other Tales
by Hikami42
Summary: The Olympics aren't all fun and games - except when you're a member of the Sonic group. Join them in some of the many misadventures the small group get into as they compete to earn honor and fulfill their contracts. Crack-fic. Drabble series.
1. The Bench of Evil

_The Bench of Evil__  
By Hikami42 – Hikari-san42 and Yami-sama42  
__Universe__: Game  
__Rating__: T, for safety  
__Parings__: NONE WE SWEAR; what you see is up to you.  
__Warnings__: OOC, Character bashing, CRACK-FIC  
__Notes__: This idea came to us while we were playing the versus mode on Mario and Sonic at the Winter Olympic Games. Silver looked so pretty while he was twirling around the ice and the fic started out as just a 500 word bashing on his fit of gayness, but it was expanded once we realized what prime material we had.  
__Disclaimer__: Any and all recognize able material belongs to either Sega or Nintendo. Otherwise, it belongs to us. _

o0o

_Vancouver, Canada  
Figure Skating – Pacific Coliseum  
_

Silver enjoyed figure skating. A lot. He liked being able to move quickly around that small frozen pond of water, and hearing the crowd cheering his name. His quills fluttered in the wind created by his momentum and a smile graced his features. His arms were spread and his fingers were splayed as if he had years of practice. The song playing from the various speakers scattered around the area was classical in nature, and he jumped and spun easily in time with the melody. (One could sense the underlying tension behind his movements though, as if someone – somewhere – was waving their arms around like a maniac.)

He leapt off the ice in a twirl before landing a _perfect_ triple axel on one foot. The crown went into an uproar but two people didn't clap.

"He looks like he's having fun…" Sonic the Hedgehog mumbled as he leaned against the side of the rink in the competitors' box. His companion grunted in agreement, leaning back with a sneer on his face. His hoverskates, now equipped with razor sharp, life ending blades, glinted at the world in a silent threat.

"Doesn't surprise me," Shadow muttered back in kind, closing his eyes and attempting to block out all the noise around him. However, the sound of a screaming fanbase couldn't be blocked out no matter how hard one tried.

Sonic turned around and clunked his way toward the bench, his own blades covered in rubber casing. He paused in front of the bench Shadow was resting on, eyeing the territorial way the other hedgehog had his arms harmlessly draped over the back of the _entire_ bench. (It was a small bench, and Shadow had _ULTIMATE_ arms.) "You wanna move over so I can sit?"

He was fixed with an _ultimate_ look. "No. This bench is reserved for _my arms_. Get your own bench, faker."

"You're being a little immature, don't you think?"

"No, I was dragged here tooth and quill, and, you seem to be quite enjoying this human dribble. Don't think I didn't see you eyeing Amy's tutu with jealousy."

Sonic sputtered, a blush creeping up his cheeks. "WRONG SIR!" His arms shot out, one finger extended, while a fake British accent colored his tone. "You are obviously mistaking me with Metal Sonic." The accent was still present. He shrugged. "He has an affinity for women's clothing. It's a guilty passion of his."

"But…" Shadow paused, moving a hand to grip his chin. "Aren't you supposed to be, _like_, the same? _Exactly_?"

Sonic didn't answer, taking his chance to dart forward and plant himself on the newly liberated bench. He turned to Shadow then, index finger held up to his lips. "Ssssh…"

The black hedgehog glared at him, easily placing his arm back to where it was. Sonic's back went ramrod straight, and his eyes snapped forward, a cough ejecting itself from his throat as Shadow's hand brushed his shoulder. Seconds later, his hands fisted themselves in front of him while his eyes slowly lowed toward the floor and rested on his gathered hands. Shadow eyed him with contempt, as if his movements were the cause of his _own_ discontent.

"You move more than Cream after she's had sugar."

Sonic's head snapped upward, index finger pointing toward the sky and mouth wide open to say something. However, Shadow shifted the arm resting behind him a tad and his eyes screwed closed. His neck drooped, letting his chin meet his chest again. "You're incorrigible."

"Pretty big word, Sonic –"

"Tails has a big vocabulary."

"- unlike some people."

"Get stuffed," was the only reply received from the blue one, back still a pole.

Shadow opened his mouth to cut Sonic down with an _ultimate_ retort, but a loud cheer from the crown broke him off as Silver struck his final pose out on the ice. A large smile graced his features while his amber eyes were closed in content and his chest heaved from the exertion of the routine he had just performed. As the yells died down, the metallic hued hedgehog lower his splayed arms and waved easily towards his masses of adoring fans, not taking notice that most of them were of the male persuasion.

He skated fluidly towards the competitors' box, flinging his legs over the partition and clattering onto the hard floor. Both Sonic and Shadow stared at him, eyes widening as they caught sight of the tangible _sparkles_ hanging around the other hedgehog.

"_HAI GUIS_!" Silver sang, as he draped himself between the still stiff Sonic and the relaxed Shadow. Somehow, in the ensuing chaos, Silver's arms ended up around each of the other's shoulders, while his legs were slung across Sonic's lap, making the clearly uncomfortable speedster even more so.

"Having fun out there?" Shadow muttered, obviously indulging the younger hedgehog in his queer choice of hobbies.

"OMG! _SO MUCH_! I can't even being to _explain_ to you the fun!" He shifted his feet so one leg was resting on the other, finally taking notice of the blue ball of mess sitting next to him. "Ohi, Sonic." He greeted cheerfully, patting the hedgehog beside him. He watched Sonic's expression harden and his brow furrowed. "Are you okay?" He asked, concern laced through his voice.

"I'm fine," he responded too quickly, voice ripping through two octaves. He gulped to himself, not noticing the rocking motion his body was easing into on its own. _Why'm I so tense_? He thought to himself. _These are my friends! I should be calm and collected_! _I SHOULD BE CONFIDENT!_ _I'm Sonic the Hedgehog! So, why am I shaking like a kitten in a bathtub?_

There was silence after Sonic's squeaky response, and all three just sat there, watching Mario twirl around the ice even more girlishly than Silver had minutes prior. All present became wrapped up in their own thoughts after that, and Sonic eventually relaxed into the back of the bench while Silver righted himself, but left his body wedged between those of his friends.

Sonic was jerked from his thoughts as someone new slammed into him from the opposite side of Silver, a heavy, gloved hand clapped itself into his shoulder while someone whispered into his ear roughly.

"Don't look now, but there's a girl over there staring at you!" Knuckles the Echidna hissed into Sonic's ear, making the hedgehog twitch. Silver, somehow overhearing, clapped his hands happily and hit Sonic on the back.

"Ooooo~! He cooed, patting Sonic on the head. "Why don't you go find out what her name is?"

Sonic shook his head roughly, dislodging Knuckles from his shoulder. "N-NO!" He blurted, a little too loudly, his face coloring. "I mean, I can't. That wouldn't be appropriate. I'm a hedgehog. All of the spectators are human."

Knuckles rolled his eyes and stood him, stalking around Sonic and poking the blue one in the forehead. "Well, if you won't ask, I _will _for you." He then swept away in all his red glory.

Shadow opened an _ultimate_ eye and glanced toward his companions. "Sonic's getting a girlfriend?"

"NO!"

There was a pause. "A mistress then."

Sonic sputtered, his heart dropping into his shoes. "What? No! Absolutely not!"

"Well, then, you can't very well adopt _another_ stray. Plus, I think this one has parents, and you know how they get when you abduct their young."

Sonic didn't reply.

Knuckles came back five minutes later, grinning like he had the funniest joke to tell and he could barely hold it in. All three hedgehogs looked at him expectantly and he smirked. "Well, she's defiantly interested in you Sonic. She told me her dad was the king of some company or something, so he had enough money to create a cover story for you if needed it."

Sonic raised a hand. Knuckles paused. "This is ridiculous; I can't believe I'm letting you do thi-"

"She said her name was Elise."

A collective shudder raced its way through three hedgehog spines and silence reigned in the loud area between the group of four.

"I don't know why," Shadow mumbled, arms wrapped around his chest. "But, I feel like punching you in the face now, Echidna."

"Please don't."

There was no reply, and all four began to wish for something non-awkward to talk about. Knuckles placed himself right beside Sonic on the small bench and the hedgehog reflected how – somehow – the Olympics people had managed to make it exactly the right size for the four of them. It was obviously a plot: make the blue hedgehog as _uncomfortable_ as possible while he was staying in Vancouver. (He didn't let on that they were succeeding.) Instead of somehow forfeiting his pride and moving away from his friends, he simply closed his eyes and started to hum, looking to the entire world like a mentally tortured yoga patient.

_Blue streak, speeds by_

_Sonic the hot-stuff_

Silver discreetly turned toward Shadow, lowering his voice while placing a hand in front of his mouth to cup the sound. "What's wrong with him?"

"I dunno." The dark shadow muttered back, lolling his head toward to other. "But there's gonna be something wrong with your _face_ in the next five seconds if you don't move!"

Silver jerked as if burned and slowly turned to face the ice.

Knuckles had since grown tired of watching Metal Sonic – in full pink tutu, mind you – prance around, and was slightly staring at the still humming Sonic. He slowly reached out a hand and poked the cobalt mammal in the shoulder, a dubious look on his face. "You should be in a band."

"I _was_, remember?" He paused. "Ya'know. _Chomp_."

"Oooooh yeah…" Knuckles rumbled, dragging out each word. "Eww…" His voice and expression both dropped, as if the sharp memory of his extinct pal tasted something sour. "That was during the three month depression you had at the dramatic death of Tails."

A pause. "What?"

"Oh… That's right. You blocked it out…"

"Blocked what out?"

"The three month depression you had over the death of Tails."

"Tails _died_?"

"Well, that was the _official_ theory. It was a shot in the dark though."

"There's something wrong with you."

Before Knuckles could respond though, the walking dead strolled in, hands laced behind a golden furred head.

"Tails," Sonic called, raising a hand to get the fox's attention. The kit pulled his sunglasses off his face and glanced towards brother. "When did you die?"

"Huh?"

"Knuckles said you died."

"We've already established that Knuckles has a weird perception on life and its complexities."

Pregnant pause. "…_hey_!" An offended Echidna called out, knocking a fisted hand into Sonic's skull.

Sonic didn't reply to Knuckles' outrage, just simply rubbed his head. "Well, for what it's worth, I think I would notice if my lil'bro went missing."

"Well, for what it's worth, _you didn't_." Knuckles mumbled, still nursing wounded pride. "Sure as hell noticed _'Manic_' and '_Sonia_' though." He shuttered to himself, his mind filling his ears with nasally voices.

Silver and Shadow simply watched this exchange with a growing sense of unease.

"What the hell are you talking about? !"

"You said yourself you were in a band!" Knuckles' voice was slowly getting louder in exasperation.

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I ignored Tails!"

"Yes! Yes it does!"

Suddenly, the echidna rounded on the fox still standing a few feet away. "Did you know Sonic was in a band?"

"He was in a band? What'd he play, flute?"

"Guitar actually." Sonic interjected, tired of being talked over.

"Were you any good?"

"_Was I any good_, he asks!"

"Not exactly an answer, Sonic."

"I was _the_ _best_, Tails. The lead singer."

"That doesn't mean you were any good at playing. Or singing, for that matter."

"Shut up, Knuckles! My band, man! My rules!"

"I remember this now," Tails mumbled. "I sat in one of those director chairs and laughed as Sonic wailed into a microphone from across the set."

Knuckles stared at Tails with something akin to shock. "What set?"

"The set of _Sonic Under-_" He was cut off as Sonic clapped a hand over his face.

"Sssh! We never speak its name! Those were dark times. We were desperate."

"Kinda like we are now?"

"Shut up, Tails! I told you not to declare our money problems to the world!"

"I never said anything money…"

"I told you to shut up!"

"Guys," Silver interrupted. "I don't mean to end your love fest, but they're about to announce the winners of the event."

o0o

In the end, Metal Sonic received third place, Mario second – he received his metal with a mysterious barrage of suspicious words mixed in with his strange accent –, and Silver with first. Silver took his medal with a huge smile and a few enthusiastic claps before swooping into the air with the greatest of ease, blue lights shooting out from his body.

The real winner of the day however, was Blaze, because she stayed away from that accursed bench and its many strange conversations. Though, when she tried to sit on it the next day, she found herself bodily tackled by Silver and wrestled out of the room.

She didn't bother asking.

* * *

_Tails has sunglasses because he's just that cool. _

_Tails' sunglasses ask you to review. _


	2. The Gambler

_The Bench of Evil and Other Tales_

2 – 6: The Gambler

**Notes**: Because the Olympics games are just full of writing opportunities, we decided to expand this into a drabble series. Updates will be sporadic, as we will just be randomly writing these things whenever the need hits. Everything here is meant to be satirical, not meant to be taken seriously. We are simply taking funny situations and documenting them. That being said, you should be aware that we aren't Nintendo fans. Meaning, there might be some Mario bashing. The Mario characters will never be the main focus. This is a Sonic fic and we are both Sonic writers. This is the purpose.

All of these take place in Vancouver during the Winter Olympics.

* * *

_2 – Tangent  
Written by Hikari-san42_

"The plumber is staring at me. He needs to stop. He's freaking me out. Why is the plumber staring at me?" Sonic mumbled to himself, digging his toe roughly into the snow.

"Um, he's trying to decide the best way to drown you this time?" Knuckles leaned over around Tails, giving Sonic a concerned look.

"Where is he going to drown me, Knuckles? We're in the middle of landlocked Canada."

"Um, Sonic, Canada has 202,080 kilometers of coastline…" Tails interjected, pushing Knuckles' head out of his face space.

"Does it really? Well, at least tell me that it's still considered America's hat…"

"I thought America was Canada's _pants_…" Knuckles looked confused, like always.

"Then what does that make Mexico?" Sonic challenged, eyes sparking.

"Obviously," Knuckles held up a hand, "Mexico is America's shoes."

"So, America's naked?"

"Sonic," Tails mumbled, hand permanently planted on his forehead. "America's a country. It doesn't require clothing."

"Yes, but what if it gets cold?"

"You know what…" Tails trailed off, catching sight of something out of the corner of his eye. "Amy's coming." He raised a finger to point at the pink track suited hedgehog walking next to a similarly dressed female. "Blaze is with her."

"Hm." Sonic hummed, watching the two girls move towards them at the speed of smell. "Is Blaze going to try figure skating?"

"Uh, I think so."

"Do you suppose that she'll melt the ice?"

There was a contemplative pause.

Knuckles was the first to speak, holding out his hand towards the hedgehog. "Five Møbïums says that she does."

o0o

_3 – Fissure  
Written by Hikari-san42_

"Wait, why is Silver here? Isn't he from, like, the _future_?"

"Yeah," Tails answered the blue hedgehog's question with a dubious tone, "I dunno either."

"Does that mean that we're somehow caught in a rift in the time space continuum and the only way out is to compete in some idiotic human ritual against some second rate characters from a rival video game franchise?"

Tails didn't blink an eye at the hedgehog's statement, his sharp brain able to comprehend the speedy delivery of the blurb. He simply nodded, his ears _thwaping_ against his head. "Yes."

o0o

_4 – Big Brother  
Written by Yami-sama42_

Shadow glared like death as he crouched low to the ground to restock his ammunition. His crimson eyes were ablaze as he growled viciously at anything that moved within his line of vision. It was a war, and Shadow was not planning on losing.

The battlefield was small, and the fighting short, but nonetheless gruesome. Bodies lay strewn everywhere, the pristine white environment littered with defeat. Using his left hand, Shadow launched his projectile, smirking in triumph as he hit his mark. His opponent fell with a scream of terror, his orange and white face connecting with the ground. Soon he was the only ally left on his side of the field.

He peered over his shoulder, back to the protective wood as he clutched his last remaining weapon. "So," he whispered to himself as he ducked lower to the ground, "it has come to this." He jerked sideways as he was nearly hit, his uppermost head quill jarred from the slight impact. Narrowing his eyes, he tucked and rolled over to the next piece of shelter. Taking a deep breath, he poked his head slowly around his safety…

And got _nailed_ in the face. When he fell, he fell _hard_. The pain and agony came not from the strike, but from the simple fact that he had _failed_. As he sat there brooding over his overwhelming loss, the snow on his face evaporating, a white gloved hand appeared in front of his nose. Taking it with a small hesitation, he used the hand as a boost to lift himself up.

"Better luck next time, Faker," Sonic taunted, shaking Shadow's hand. "And Shads," he paused, catching glowering crimson with bright emerald, "don't touch Tails."

The snowball fisted in the black one's right palm was dropped in order for said fist to raise and then fly at a certain blue hedgehog's face. Twin viridian orbs widened in time to focus on the incoming force milliseconds before it was encased in a brilliant cerulean light.

Shadow growled aloud; he was caught by Silver of all people.

Sonic's eyes were still wide as he took a step back and to the side. An apprehensive grin spread across his features as he glanced over to see a certain metallic colored hedgehog standing beside the small fox. Chuckling slightly, the speedster turned to leave, throwing a, "Thanks Silver! See you in about five minutes. Dream figure skating's next. Tails and I have claimed the bench. Meet you there!"

Watching him leave, Shadow wondered how well a hydrophobic hedgehog would fair in a giant pile of melted snow…

o0o

_5 – Handicap  
Written by Hikari-san42_

"Why do I have to use a glider? I can glide without it."

Vector glared down at Knuckles, staring straight into his violet eyes. "Because, it's not fair for everyone else if they have to use something new and you get to just soar around like you have since you were little."

Knuckles scoffed low in his throat, hand moving up to point across at Sonic and Tails where they were both leaning against their own respective gliders, decals with their faces on them grinning at him. "You really think the adaptable twins over there will have any trouble with this? They'll both jump off the platform the first time and soar through the clouds like they were frickin' born with those gliders in their hands."

"You think so?" Silver walked up behind Knuckles, scaring the echidna into jumping around and swinging an arm towards his surprised face. The hedgehog managed to avoid the blow by inches but he still glared at his attacker. "No need to hit, man. We're on the same side."

"Sorry Silver." Inside, Knuckles bit his cheek to keep himself from _purposely_ slamming his fist into the other's pretty-boy face.

Silver shrugged off the apology, getting back to the matter at hand. "I couldn't help but overhear. Do you really think Sonic and Tails will be able to glide without practice?"

"I don't think – I _know_. Those two can pretty much do anything without trying. Except swim in Sonic's case, but I won't get into that."

"Well, then if you know, put your money where your mouth is." Silver held out his hand toward Knuckles. "I bet a Møbïum that Sonic doesn't jump."

Knuckles stared at the other's hand in shock before shaking his head. "Fine, I need to get the Master Emerald a souvenir. I bet five that they both fly like birds."

"Hey guys," all three jumped as a young voice sounded from behind Vector and said crocodile nearly fell over.

"T-Tails!" Silver poured on a fake happy tone, holding his hands out towards the fox. "Hey! How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough." He rolled his eyes before easing around Vector, holding out a hand towards the metallic hedgehog. "And I want in. Five Møbïums says that Sonic crashes into the lake."

o0o

_6 – Winnings  
Written by Hikari-san42  
Concept by Hikami42_

Sonic and Knuckles stood dumbfounded with shell shocked expressions on their faces as, when Blaze stepped onto the ice, it seemed to solidify and get harder under her feet, as if freezing even further.

"What did she-?" Knuckles was confused.

"I don't know." Sonic was too.

"_How _did she-?"

"Don't ask me."

Tails walked up from behind them, pushing both of them aside, a hand held out to each. "I believe you both owe me five Møbïums."

* * *

_This just goes to show that Tails knows the effects Mobian fire powers have on frozen earth water, smart little fox. _

_That, or he was just going on a whim and he had five Møbïums to lose. _

_Yeah, don't get hung up on the word Møbïum. It has all those little flair letters because we felt like it, and we decided that Mobians were creative with the name of their money. _

_Don't worry about us; we're sane, we promise. We just think a little too hard about a fictional game franchise. _

_Review please?_


End file.
